Thursday, February 17, 2011

Mommy guilt

Ugh, where to start? This pregnancy plus toddler thing is hard. I don't think I am more sick than I was with Madeline but coping with work was so much easier than this full-time mommy gig! :) When I was pregnant with Madeline I did almost nothing outside of go to work and sleep for the first 11 weeks - literally nothing.  The bare essential housework, no cooking, the occasional load of laundry once a week and that was it. I slept for something like 12 hours every night.

This time couldn't be more different. Life with a two-year old never stops. She can't live on peanut butter sandwiches and we do way more than 1 load of laundry a week. More than anything she just wants me and I am not me right now which is really hard. She wants to play and chase and go to the park. I want to sleep and not think about what to cook for the next meal because while the actual food doesn't make me sick the thought of cooking it does.

I consider myself fairly patient with her and understanding of her age limitations but lately I find myself with far less patience and a lot more guilt. I know she won't remember these days and I know that I will eventually feel better (or find a better way to cope!) but right now I feel like I am cheating her out of our time together. This is it...we have 8 months of just us before life changes and although I know that the changes are wonderful and will enhance our family I don't want to miss a single moment with my girl.

Don't get me wrong I am so excited about this baby. I know that Madeline is going to (eventually?) love having a brother or sister. I know that I will feel better at some point and if my pregnancy with Madeline is any indication that point is in about 4 weeks. I know that I am not scarring her for life nor diminishing her love for me.

That is my little pity party and now that I have written it all out and had a good cry I feel much better. This is a good thing since naptime is over and I need to make a valiant attempt at being fun Mommy for a few more hours (and do the laundry and the dishes and make dinner).


Tara said...

Girl, I have so been there!! I was sick with Aden and had all the same guilt you are feeling about not spending enough time with Carson.
I PROMISE she will not remember these days, no matter how hard they are on you!! I used to lay on the floor with Sprite and crackers and play games and other more low key activities with Carson.
You are a great mom and you will get through this!! Trust me!! I am on the other side now and concerned I'm not giving both kids equal time! :) There is always something to worry and cry over!
I will be praying you feel better and that you wont worry too much!! Hopefully after your 1st trimester you will start to feel better!

Kirsty said...

I really feel for you, it's so hard. One of the (many!) reasons I don't want any more kids is because I found it hard parenting and being active pretty much all the way through pregnancy - once I eventually stopped feeling sick, I only had a few weeks before I started feeling knackered again (which made sense when I found out how heavy Charles was!). Even just a couple of weeks after the birth I felt a lot closer to Digby again - just things like being able to cuddle him properly and pick him up made a big difference. I was pretty awful for a good few months, but we're all in a much better place now. It's so worth it. Just take it easy and do whatever you have to to get through.

And sorry to be a pain, but I've moved my blog. The new URL is - could you please update your blogroll? Thanks! :)